An Update

I have recently spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with my sister Stesha, she is doing alright, we talk about God and religion as well as work and such, our last conversation was about heaven, hell, the concept of Physics in religion, and some of the books that we are both looking into or reading. I've just recently finished Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul, by John Eldredge. This was a book that her husband Brian recommended and read with some of the people at his church (he is a Baptist Youth Minister). It was a good read about taking risks and adventures in life, somewhat talked about in Christian circles because it takes some not quite conservative view points on some issues, but the essence of the book is that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and God will help you through as long as you fight for him, not fight in the physical sense of the word, but in the emotional, spiritual sense. It's a very good read and I would recommend it to all who would care to increase their spiritual arsenal. I'm going to loan my copy to my pastor because he said he has heard a lot about it.
I now have one of the books sent me to me in jail, Where in the World is God? By Harold Senkbail as our bathroom reading, filled with little 2 pages inspirational stories based on scripture passages and personal stories to further expand the scripture. As my "on the train or relaxing reading" I am currently reading St. Augustine's Confessions, A new Translation by Henry Chadwick, my Pastor bought it for me early on in our meetings because he said that I seemed to have a lot in common with St. Augustine when it comes to my past and my views on things, so far he is correct, I do identify with St. Augustine quite a bit, 1600 years later, and the same ideas are still popping up.
I am also still reading my Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, this is a good read for anyone, not just us drunks, about the power to overcome difficulties through spiritual awakenings and good fellowship, I would even go so far as to recommend it to you if you would like to learn more about some of the things I am going through. The personal stories are incredible, and the passage to the families of Alcoholics could turn out to be most enlightening, it's not an expensive book, new copies can be found for only about $7, but I'm sure you can find a used copy somewhere, the library may even have one. I'm reading the fourth addition, published by A.A. World Services Inc.
There is an AlAnon meeting that has started at my church on Tuesday nights, and I am encouraging Mom to attend. AlAnon is for the families of alcoholics, and they work on the 12 steps for themselves, in order to better their situation and ability to handle the things we drunks throw at them, even better for understanding what exactly my illness is. I'm on my 4th step now, and that is to make a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves and our misdeeds and the character defects that caused us to do the things we have done. I've been sober now 132 days. This step is probably one of the most difficult steps, because it requires the most self examination, and the opening up of doors that we wish would stay closed forever, addressing you demons and putting them down on paper. Not fun for anyone, but especially not fun for someone with my background in Psychology, I keep over analyzing myself and finding more and more stuff that I just don't want to deal with, but must in order to become healthy, selfishness is one of the biggest issues that keeps popping up.
I most recently finished Philippians in the Bible. Paul's joy filled letter to the Phillipian church from prison, focusing on finding Joy in Christ's gospel and ministry, regardless of your personal situation, It was very inspirational and gave me a lot of hope for the future, whatever may happen with this legal situation, God has a plan, and I must accept his will and know that he is with me, and will provide for me, even if I do end up in Jail. That's part of his plan, and he has a purpose for me, I just keep praying that he help me fulfill it, regardless of what I want. I've also been reading in Mark, Corinthians, Acts, Job, Psalms, Proverbs and Galatians quite a bit. I have also been asked to read passages from psalms and proverbs at church the past few weeks, this week it is Psalm 51, I love doing this, sharing the gospel whenever I can!
Every morning I read 24 Hours A Day, Daily Reflections, Wisdom From The Bible: Daily Thoughts From The Proverbs, and Daily Wisdom From The Bible, encouragement for Every Day. 2 of these books are strictly AA focused and provide thoughts, meditations, and Prayers for us drunks on a daily basis. The last 2 books provide passages from the bible, and personal stories or explanations that help to understand the passages. These are all set up so that each day, there is a different passage to read and they are supposed to start over at the beginning of the year. Each date has a specific scripture and message, they seem to always be exactly what I need for that day, strange how God works sometimes!
I am also paging through The Physics of Immortality by Frank Tipler. In this book, he tries to reconcile science and religion, sometimes stretching for the truth, but making a good point. He is of the opinion that science was created by God, and can be used to find God. Not in the Intelligent Design Vein, their science I still say is incredibly faulty, but through an actual physics based quantum theory. Membrane theory explains the idea of an infinite number of Universes with overlying principles and I would say that a perfect God, knows all of them, and has infinite knowledge, these parallel universes are every possibility of everything that ever could happen being manifest, all of the different choices we have and different paths we could go down, this helps me to understand the idea of free will with an omnipotent God, something I have always struggled with. I think God does know all the choices we will make, but he also knows all the choices we could have made and the outcome of all of them, he has a plan, and a desired route for us to travel, and whatever happens is his will because all things are possible in all realms, in all universes.
Without going into too much detail I believe that the singularity of modern physics is God, Physics proves that all things started and end with the singularity but they are unable to further define what it is or where it came from. I say God, not just because it's an easy answer but because it makes the most sense and I am not alone in this belief. I am also looking through The God Particle by Leon Lederman, This is a more straight up physics text book, but it seems to draw the same conclusion, without really getting into the theological debate aspect. There is a lot being done to reconcile God and science, because they have fought to explain the universe for so long, I think they are really quite complimentary when you look at them both with an open mind.
Scientists can be quite stubborn in saying that there is no God, and believers can be quite stubborn in saying that science doesn't have all the answers. My theory is that science may not have all the answers but that God gave us our brains and our sciences for a reason, and the further we go in expanding our knowledge of all things, the closer we come to a true understanding of God. I don't however think that that understanding can be achieved in Life, I think Heaven is not some place in the clouds with angels and harps, and any human characteristics, I think that Heaven is finally knowing, the absence of strife, finally understanding God and all things, becoming one with God, with the singularity of the universe, understanding his plan and all that has ever happened, being rid of our human nature that desires strife and conflict for survival, it's more ethereal than corporeal.
Oh I could go on at great length about all of this stuff, explaining more thoroughly, my theories about it all, including evolution and the like (I do believe in evolution, God created us in his own image, but we are evolving into it). But I think I've gone far enough for now. Suffice it to say, there is a God, He knows everything, and science is our way of trying to understand and explain what we can, without excluding God. I am seriously considering, given all that I have gone through, and all I think I have to share, going into the ministry. If I could answer the questions of one person, and help one person from falling into the traps of logic and blind faith in the totality of logic and our scientific knowledge, if I could have talked to someone like me when I was younger, I could have avoided so much pain and drama. I think that's why I went through it all, so that I can help others to avoid it, I can finally answer the questions I always asked, I can finally have faith in something more than my own ego, more than myself.