How do you stay sane when everything and everyone in your life is trying to be as insane as they possibly can be? How am I supposed to maintain any level of stability and sanity when I am constantly being slammed by others insanity? Well, I pray alot, and I try to stay focused, and I try to be supportive, and I try to keep my hope alive. So far it's working, but just barely. My girlfriend is going crazy, she has her own problems and her own issues to deal with. My mom is going crazy, she also has her own problems and issues to deal with. My friends from AA have always been crazy, and some of them are having trouble getting back to a manageable level of crazy. I'm surrounded by crazy! How am I supposed to deal with all this? My own problems are falling to the wayside. I'm not even worried about my own shit anymore, so what if I go to jail, it was easier there. How's that for a crazy thought, jail is easier than the problems other people are shoving down my throat? I obviously think I can do more good on the outside, and it is definately a better thing for me to be out and free, but wow, jail was easier than life outside.
In the real world, there is so much more to worry about than if my commisary is going to get stolen, if I'm gonna have to stand up to the gangbanger that's talking shit, if I'm gonna have to worry about my cellie doing something stupid and having the CO's come down on us both. Out here, people really are crazy and really do things to hurt you and drive you nuts. My life was simpler when I didn't have God, when I didn't care, when I was wasted all the time. I have no desire to go back to that state, but man was it easier. It's hard to live a normal good life, when everything seems to be working against me.
I know that the world is not against me, and I know that God has a plan for me, and I know that I'm supposed to learn from these experiences, and I know that things will work out one way or another, I just wish it would happen sooner. This can't last much longer. My life has to start leveling out soon right? I mean, come on, really, what the hell? I know I'm overreacting a bit, and I'm being a little too sensitive, but if I told you exactly what was going on, I doubt you would be able to handle it all. I wish I could put it all down here, but out of respect for the individuals involved, I can't, but I wish I could, it might help this whole post make more sense. I know all the right things to do, I know all the right things to say. I know how to handle the situations, but knowing doesn't make acting any easier. Knowing doesn't make dealing any easier. Man real life is hard. God must really have something big planned for me, because he sure is working hard to teach me some lessons.
I want to live the life that God has planned for me, I want to do what is right and be the person I know I can be, but man, is this difficult. I mean come on now, there has to be a limit right? There is only so much someone can be expected to take. Well, I guess I haven't reached that limit yet. I guess there is more that I can take, I guess there is more I can learn, I guess there always will be. The best I can do is keep praying, keep hoping, and keep my faith and my spirit intact. Try to help a little more, try to work a little harder, try to love a little more. God has a plan, I've surrendered my will to Him, I trust Him, He'll guide me through this all, but man, it's really hard.
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4 comments:
God's will is working for you, in your heart my friend. To carry the burdens of others, is in your nature and sometimes all consuming. Let God shine his light through your soul to the ones you love, that they may find peace. Your inner light will help you find yours. Your losses have been great, and your struggles uphill - through it all, you still perservere. Stay with God, seek him in prayer, comfort your soul with the knowledge that you are so very loved by those you love, and by God.
Love your writing. A raw edge that's great.
Sometimes with God it's not about of pedaling faster, it's about making sure to pedal up the right hill.
I mean that Christ is in you. He can handle all the crap that's coming your way, right? Have you ever learned how to tap into his power, and let him live thru you and deal with all the craziness coming at you thru you, and on your behalf? I hope so. Ask your pastor about it, or AEG.
Don't quit. You are loved. You are needed.
Bill
I have no idea who you are or how I came across this blog. I was minding my own business and I googled, "finding peace in a crazy world". I feel almost as if I were talking when I read what you wrote. Everything you said is EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL.
My boyfriend has given so much shit today and he's going insane. I totally understand that he is going through a lot himself, but it's difficult to deal with my own life and his struggles as well. I'll be very up front about my problems. My dad went to jail before my graduation leaving us with nothing and my mother possibly going to jail soon. I've been a private school prep my entire life who received everything on a silver platter. My mother has turned on me and my father is locked up where I can't even speak to him. I'm working full time at a place where everyone hates me because I'm pretty young and today I came across an email on my coworkers computer of them laughing at my dreams of being a doctor (mind you I currently hold a 4.0 after completing 30 credits).
My family expects me to be normal, but between the violence that I've seen as a child and the pure insanity that they have both shown me, HOW CAN I BE NORMAL?
People that know me would never guess that all of this is going on because I always have a smile on my face because I HOPE that God has a great plan for me. Everyday that I struggle I know God is just trying to humble me for the great plans he has for me.
I can totally relate with you about, "My life was simpler when I didn't have God, when I didn't care, when I was wasted all the time." When I didn't have God, I had a more or less easy life with school and no job, and I basically stood around and got wasted with my friends.. life was easier. I was not fulfilled but geez it was easier.
Again, I have no idea who you are, but I want to thank you for posting this. I don't feel as alone as I did a few minutes ago. My life is so strange and I feel so put down all the time that I have to sometimes be reminded that I'm not alone in this. You probably don't care or are wondering who I am telling you all this, but please know that if you need a random person to speak to I feel and understand you.
THANKS,
Jen
jenpwnz@aim.com
Hello fellow traveler,
You are definitely on the right path now, having started out with so little focus. Your thirst for truth will get you far. Truth is an interesting concept though. It is more illusive than most think. The hard truth about people is that most don't really pursue truth, they only want easy solutions to their problems. Partly because of this and many other factors, life is indeed quite hard. Focus on your character and never stop searching for the truth of the matter and of yourself and you will go far in completing yourself and coping with this crazy world. Age, time and experience will help (I'm in my 50's now). Use and hone your intelect as well and be careful of conformity. Keep your eyes interested in the wonders of life, nature and your surroundings, as well. All of these things will help you develop peace within.
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